From body shaming and negative self-talk to loving the booty you got; the conversation of body image is an active one. More and more women are waking up to the idea of embracing themselves and others, just as they are. But how do you go from feeling ‘less than’ to ‘perfect as is?’
This story shows the path taken by Portland based burlesque dancer, Luna Phaze. The unveiling of Luna’s story is an inspiration, regardless of age or body shape, to dance or walk their own path to self-love.
Amid the hustle and bustle backstage at Rock Candy Burlesque, Luna Phaze stands quietly balanced in power pose. Feet planted firmly on the ground, both arms reach up to form a Y. She transmutes the quick anxious breaths into deep long inhales and exhales, in this pre-performance ritual.
“Someone told me once, the difference between anxiety and excitement is the way you breathe. I try to remember that when I get anxious before a show. Slow the breath.”
It’s April of 2019, and the hoots and hollers from the crowd on the other end of the curtain signal the end of one performer and the beginning of the next. Where stripping focuses primarily on the final reveal, burlesque’s beauty is in the unwrapping of the gift. It’s all about the tease. Luna pops her eyes open and takes a final deep breath, her heart a steady thump in her chest. It’s time.
From the other side of the curtain, the MC’s voice echoes across the packed house of people who have come to watch the show. “And now, hailing from the sexy side of the moon, Miss Luna Phaze of Portland, OR. With her classic, glamorous style and sexy sass, she’ll leave you wanting more!”
Slowly, she draws the curtain aside and steps into the spotlight. A full body shawl of red feathers encloses her. As the music begins, her hips and legs move in perfect sync. First step, ample hips thrust to the side, only one ankle visible. Second step, another ankle. Third step, right arm extends to the side, along with a fully visible leg, poised, revealing the feminine curve lines of her stomach. Each move drips with sensuality. A vow of what’s to come.
To see her on stage is to see a master in the art of seduction. But like all art, it takes time to perfect, and this is still a learner’s game.
Travel back to the spring of 2017, before the costumes, fake eyelashes and the performances. Forty-year-old Patti has just signed up for her first burlesque class, something she has desired for the past 25 years but was way too self-conscious to do. Her negative self-talk hasn’t ebbed in those years, but she has now reached a level of low which demands transformation. Inside, her internal voice screams, “you are not enough. Not pretty enough, not thin enough, not woman enough.” She is ready for something to build herself back up with. Something that moves her body and helps her feel ok about being sensual.
Patti joined the burlesque 101 course at All that Glitters Burlesque Academy thinking it would be something like yoga, go to class once a week, learn some cool new things. Instead, on her very first day, in the dance studio surrounded by giant mirrors and strangers, she is met with a terrifying shock.
“During this 6-week course we will teach everything you need to know about burlesque, from how to apply makeup and fake lashes to costuming and moves that look good with your body type. By the end of this course, you will have a fully developed routine and you will perform in front of a crowd,” one of the instructors says.
Patti’s eyes widen at her reflection in the mirror, seeing only a woman who is the opposite of the Pamela Anderson type society told her fit the sexy norm. Her breathing increases along with her heart rate as she looks around at the other woman in her class. All but one of them are small, trim and fit. And the one who isn’t has four children, something Patti cannot claim.
“I thought to myself, what’s going to happen when we are on stage, and everyone’s bodies are better than mine? Which just reaffirmed my fear that I wasn’t good enough.”
Each week before class, she sweeps the tears from her cheek. One day after class, a fellow student comes up to Patti. With her long legs and slender torso, she is the kind of woman who can wear a low V neck without large amounts of cleavage spilling out. To Patti, she is beauty personified.
“Oh my gosh, you’re so sexy and curvy and beautiful, I wished my body looked like your body.” She tells Patti.
“What? I wish mine looked like yours!”
This was a pivotal perspective switch for Patti. “I realized in that moment that other people see you differently than you see yourself. We are all so self-critical, but no one else sees us that way.”
Part of the course is coming up with your persona, or character, and the first step is a name. Patti chooses Luna Phaze because of the tattoos of the different lunar phases which line her spine. Over the next several weeks, she contemplates who Luna is apart from Patti. Where Patti is reserved and all about giving to others, Luna is unapologetically herself, confident. Where Patti may choose to wear a modest shirt in certain situations, Luna won’t give a second thought to wearing that tight, short skirt.
By the end of the six weeks, her confidence level zooms forward, and her relationship with her husband, Ernest, is strengthened as well. In him, she finds a supportive spouse who loves her unconditionally and supports her as she pursues her passions and dreams.
She was so nervous during her first performance, she mentally checked out mid-routine. Still, she finished to roaring applause of family, friends and strangers. Later the next week, sitting on the sofa, together with Ernest, she sobs as she watches the recording of herself on stage.
“It was like watching someone else up there, and it was the first time I ever saw myself in that sexy way. Not judging, not body-shaming. Just me appreciating the beauty of me.”
That summer, Patti’s friends rallied together to come up with the tuition for the burlesque 201 course, at the end of which she was offered her first paid gig.
Patti recounts how one night after a performance, a woman came up to her amidst a crowd of people.
“To see you up there,” the woman said to her, “you inspired me. I haven’t had sex with my husband, even with the lights off in over a year. But now, after seeing you so confident and beautiful up there, I want to go home and do it with the lights on.”
“Initially, it was a surprise to have a total stranger come up and share such an intimate detail of her life.” Patti says of the encounter. “It was a good reminder of how important it is to show other women that it’s ok to be comfortable in your body. And to show people that as you age, sexiness doesn’t have to decline. In fact, it can elevate as you begin to be comfortable with the body you are in, and appreciative of what that body has carried you through.”
We return to the spotlight on the night of April 2019. With her back towards the show-goers, her red feathered gown trails down past her ankles. Luna’s left fingers glide across her right shoulder and ever so slowly slide down her outstretched, covered arm until they kiss her wrist. With a glance at her audience, she gives a hint of a smile, her vibrant eyes under the partially lowered lids a promise of more. The crowd goes wild, begging her to draw back the veil and reveal the silky arm beneath.
By the end of the performance, Luna has shed most of her garments, and all that remain are red tassel pasties, velvety underwear and the two large red feathered fans which conceal her from calves to collar bone. Her head is relaxed, her back arched in surrender. Both the fans and her body pulse to the rhythm of the music, a visible heartbeat. With each pulse, the fans slowly separate until she is revealed, her gift unwrapped at last.
Written by: Katie Girard
